


the heimlich is not a dance move

by lokh



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 15:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3452087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokh/pseuds/lokh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>my own laugh has been described as very loud and sudden cackling, coupled with intense wheezing and peppered with undignified snorts that i picked up from someone that laughed similarly. this is a story in which tsukishima laughs the same way, and has the misfortune of tanaka being there to witness it. what happens next will warm your heart</p>
            </blockquote>





	the heimlich is not a dance move

**Author's Note:**

> “You laughed in a restaurant but you have an ugly laugh and I thought you were choking, so I spent the last three minutes awkwardly humping you while performing the Heimlich maneuver” AU [[x]](http://stopseimei.tumblr.com/post/112297484450/thundara-tokiosunset-people-should-do-more)

The only thing this entire incident has convinced you of is that you should clearly avoid laughing for the rest of your life.

Beside you, Yamaguchi looks torn between being concerned for your welfare and laughing at your expense, and the conflict results in some interesting wheezing sounds. Sounds that are not dissimilar to the ones being made by the grade-schooler standing next to your would-be murderer.

So maybe you've learned two things. First, laughing certainly is the best medicine (if life can be considered an ailment). Second, you're never leaving your dorm room ever again.

Your guard was down the moment exams ended. Your experience wasn't as hellish as some others (the angry King downstairs, for example, seemed to have had a rougher time of it, should the anguished yelling and thudding be any indication), but you'd be lying if you said you weren't relieved the moment you laid your pen down for the last time. Your roommate clearly had similar thoughts, because the moment his final exam ended (two hours after yours, the most relaxing two hours of your entire _life_ ), he went back to your room with half the dorm in tow and then some, turned the sound system up as loud as it could go, and you couldn't for the life of you give an accurate estimate of the amount of alcohol he managed to smuggle into your room because you were out the second the words 'party time' were out of his mouth.

Ordinarily, you would've just gone to sleep and let the world pass you by for a dozen hours. That was during the days Bokuto Koutarou wasn't your roommate. Thus, this particular situation found you in the next best scenario: complaining to Yamaguchi, who'd finished his exams three days ago. He therefore wasn't amenable to the suggestion that you sleep for the next week, and insisted that since exams were finally over, you both go out and eat food that isn't cup noodles and coffee for once. You'd like to point out that first of all, you were propped up on much more than just coffee and ramen (with energy drinks prevailing as a major food group), and also, it wasn't like _he_ had to sleep too, but by the time you opened your mouth to retort, you were at the diner down the street shovelling food into your mouth post-haste.

The food wasn't _terrific_ , and there were _people_ around, _talking_ , but like you, they were uni students numbed to the point of zombification, and thus weren't very loud and moved very slow, and unlike your room (or what you can assume its current state is), the diner smelled nice, was comfortably warm, and distinctly lacked Bokuto, who isn't _terrible_ but also isn't the best post-exam companion. Just being around him when you're tired makes you feel like you're having the hangover you're currently missing out on. So eating at the diner with Yamaguchi isn't the worst thing that could've happened to you, and you may have prevented yourself from developing an ulcer in doing so.

Yamaguchi told you to suck it up and admit that you're enjoying yourself. Which, well, alright. Shut up, Yamaguchi.

This is when everything started to go downhill, because apparently the world has it out for Tsukishima Kei, and nothing that's good ever lasts.

Maybe a more obviously up themselves person would call it karma; generally, you find your entertainment at the diner teasing the waiter with the shock of orange hair (whose employment, you're sure, is a violation of the minimum age requirement) or commenting on any other number of patrons unlucky enough to be dining at the same time as you.

Maybe it's because you were still tired. Maybe Yamaguchi had always been that funny and your pride couldn't allow you to see his budding potential as a star comedian. Whatever the case may have been, in one moment of weakness, you allowed yourself to laugh, wholeheartedly and without restriction, at a shitty joke he made.

That was when _he_ showed up.

The Harbinger of Death. The Bringer of Doom. Your would-be murderer.

One moment, you're sitting in your chair, for all intents and purposes quite calm and relaxed, and the next he's pulling you out of your seat. You used to play volleyball, and it's only then that you regretted having stopped, for if you hadn't surely your reflexes would've caught the buzzed head whizzing into your field of vision, a face that, in your moment of panic, looked a lot like that of a demon before your eyes. You weren't quite at the point where you would've thought, 'I'm ready to die', and no one can blame you for thinking, 'this is how my student debt disappears', but you definitely didn't expect your assailant to hump you and try to squeeze you to death via the midsection.

There was wheezing. There was coughing. You may have yelled a little bit.

And it's only just now that he's finally stopped. Three minutes later.

" _What_ , do you _think_ , you're, _doing_ ," is what you hope comes out, but to be honest your hearing is sort of fuzzy right now and where the fuck are your glasses, "are you trying, to _fucking kill me_?"

"You were _choking_ ," he says disbelievingly, _patronizingly,_ and you just catch a squeaky 'Tsukki!' over the blubbering 'is he alright!!!' from the grade-schooler standing next to him.

"I was _not choking_ ," you snap, and he doesn't look impressed. Distantly, you register that some people are staring and whispering, the clink of cutlery suddenly a bit more distinct, but right now you just need to wipe that self-righteous _look_ off his damn face.

"He was _laughing_ ," Yamaguchi cuts in, and if he doesn't stop wheezing he's going to be a lot less amusing than he was three minutes ago, "he wasn't choking, that's how he _laughs_."

You're absolutely sure half the diner's eyes are suddenly on the four of you.

"That was him _laughing_?" he says, eyes wide, "it sounded like he was _coughing up Jupiter_!"

"Dude, Ryuu," the grade-schooler says, "that means you humped him for like five straight minutes for _nothing_!"

And now you're both red. Like a pair of jackasses.

The next minute finds the four of you standing a ways outside, because you'd like to maintain what little dignity you have left intact, and also it'll be easier to hide the body with less witnesses.

"So," you start, and after being sure that your ribs aren't collapsing in on themselves, straighten up, and you revel in the surprised flinch you incite when you both discover that you are, in fact, the tallest of all four of you. Now that you're up close and not being humped to death, you're wondering how he didn't  _actually_ snap you in half. He looks easily twice your weight by way of muscle, and you're probably not wrong in guessing that he plays some sort of sport, and is also probably recklessly violent in both said sport and obviously all facets of daily life. He shifts, expression morphing into something that's probably meant to be threatening, but only makes you want to strangle him even harder.

"Yeah? Wanna fight?"

"You know," Yamaguchi says, "I heard the Heimlich maneuver is dangerous. You could've _hurt_ him!"

"Shut up, Yamaguchi."

"Sorry, Tsukki!"

"Yeah, well," he says, but you know you've won because his gaze wavers and his face becomes the very picture of _guilty_. The grade-schooler nudges him in the side. You're already planning out your alibi when suddenly he's... bowing?

"Sorry, Tsukki," he says, and even though he's parroting what Yamaguchi said, he sounds a lot more sincere, "for like. Almost killing you."

For one moment, you're inclined to think that this has all been an overreaction, because while you're pretty sure your abdomen will be bruised until the day you die, that day is far off from today. You're not going to apologize, but you'd much prefer to just forget about this, and leave, right now, get some well deserved rest, learn from your mistakes, and maybe join the volleyball team so this never happens again. You open your mouth.

Then he starts _laughing_.

"But I wouldn't have done it if your laugh didn't sound like you were coughing up a _planet_!"

 You smile.

"Oh?"

He stops.

 "I see," you say, and even when he's straightened up he's quite a bit shorter than you, "I see! I'm _so_ sorry. I thought that _maybe_ , I'd _finally_ be able to relax, after _such_ a long week of _exams_! I didn't  _realize_ I was cutting into your time, to think that I _worried_ you, a complete stranger that was _so worried for my welfare_. It's not like I was _hurt_ by your thinking my laugh _ugly_."

"What, wait, hey, I didn't-"

"But it's fine! You might've humped me for a few minutes, but it was all for a good cause, and it's not like I actually _felt_ anything against me!"

"Hey, wait just a minute-"

"Also," you're whispering at this point, face close enough to make out the sweat beading on his cheek, "my name is _Tsukishima_."

He stares at you.

You think he's stopped breathing.

"Tanaka."

"What?"

"I, uh. My name is Tanaka."

His breath is very, very warm on your face.

You stare at him.

"Also, your laugh isn't _that_ bad," he continues, hand reaching to his neck, "like. You sound like a dinosaur, but it's not. I mean, it's pretty cute."

" _What_?" you sputter, and you'll later take a moment to marvel at your articulation as a university student.

"Hey! I'm trying to be _nice!_ "

"Yes, and it's _weird_! And for your information, _your_ laugh sounds like a _hyena_. Maybe you should stick to trying to squeeze people's lungs out, Tanaka- _san_."

Yamaguchi coughs. "Um, Tsukki. We really should be going now."

"Yeah, Ryuu," the grade-schooler says, and you honestly forgot he was even there, "the next train back is in like, seven minutes."

"Oh, shit! Right, let's go," he - Tanaka - says, and you didn't realize how close you were to him until you have to step back to let him move away from the wall. "Um. Sorry about all that, Tsukishima. Bye!"

Then he's gone.

Yamaguchi sidles up to you, after a moment. Briefly, you think you should apologize to him. You were both supposed to be able to slack off and take a break, but ended up having your stomach bruised by an absolute stranger (and his little brother?) and yelling in the middle of a sidewalk. Then your senses come back to you, because if anyone is going to be apologizing here, it's not going to be  _you_ , and if Yamaguchi had let you pass out on his floor, like you said, then none of this would've happened. And unlike what _some_ people say, it's not _your_ fault that your laugh apparently sounds like a dinosaur (which one, you're not entirely sure).

If this were a romantic comedy, you'd be staring forlornly into the distance as the wind blows gently, but first of all it's hitting 30 Celsius with no saving breeze, and second, you don't watch romcoms.

Also, that would imply some form of romantic tension.

"Hey. Did you see how red his face was?"

"I didn't notice," you say, absently. You can feel Yamaguchi's eyes boring into your temple. Sleep feels less appealing than it did ten minutes ago. As pathetic as it sounds, just from this useless little encounter, you feel like your entire day has been thrown completely off-kilter. Now you're not going to be able to think about anything except headbutting Tanaka as hard as you can for the rest of the week, and for a single muddled moment, feel like you'll never be satisfied ever again until you make him feel the exact pain you were forced to feel. For once in your life, you seriously consider going back to your dorm room in the middle of Bokuto's party. Kuroo would never let you hear the end of it.

"...right."

Wisely, he says nothing else.

**Author's Note:**

> tsukkis face is simply the reddest there is.
> 
> do they ever meet again? tsukki thinks not. he eventually _does_ join the volleyball team at his uni. he finds out that volleyball is a lot like sex. balls are flying. he breaks his glasses. tanaka is there. now you now its an au because somehow tanaka and tsukishima go to the same uni


End file.
